Q: Professor Naama Atzaba-Poria – as this month is Family Day it's a good time to talk about the stigma of raising an only child and understand why it is not exactly true – only children are not strange or ego-centrical as we assume that they are.
"The stigma developed for a few reasons – it might be most interesting to start from a historical perspective: during the agricultural period kids were a critical resource, and society wanted as many of them as possible to help in the workforce. At the time it made more sense for parents to invest their resources in several children, to increase their productivity. Therefore, it was not customary to have only one child. The psychologist Granville Stanley Hall, the founder of the American Psychological Association, even stated at the beginning of the 20th century that 'only children' tend to be strange, egotistical, withdrawn, and prone to homosexual tendencies."
Follow Israel Hayom on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram
Q: At the time, the phenomenon was cataloged as a type of mental illness. Today we view it differently in popular culture that sanctifies, among other things, the American Dream which includes a "house with a white picket fence" or a large car – and 2.4 children.
"True. Think about, for example, the Hebrew song called 'Kids are joy,' which is a different variation of the American Dream. Our society considers only children to be defective and pathological. Israel is still affected by the Holocaust. Therefore, even unconsciously, we strive for large families. It is connected to a collective and unconscious aspect of our culture, as 'the Jewish people.' As a minority group, it has been ingrained in us to give birth to many children."
Q: Many parents also choose to have several children with catastrophic scenarios in mind, in case one of their children gets injured or, G-d forbid, dies. As you said, this is particularly relevant in a society where the Holocaust hovers over us like a shadow.
"This is an important, albeit pessimistic point. I believe that post-trauma, there's a tendency to want to increase the family unit. In addition, parents are also more concerned about who will take care of them in their twilight years, and they don't want to place the entire burden on only one child. One of the most complex experiences for 'only children' is the responsibility of taking care of their elderly parents alone. 'Only children' who suffer from disabilities themselves will have to figure out at some point who will be there to care for him/her when his/her parents are no longer around?"
Q: When looking at the empirical data, in practice, the research on only children shows the opposite of the stigma.
"Correct, and maybe the time has come to set the record straight. Research shows that 'only children' are more intelligent" and more creative as their parents probably had more resources and free time to nurture them. They also graduate with advanced degrees at higher rates. In terms of personality characteristics, they are neither more extroverted nor introverted than the norm, neither less sociable nor lonely, selfish nor unstable. The few studies on the subject contradict the stigma. They also confirm that families of only children do not experience more behavioral difficulties or referrals to psychiatric clinics."
Q: People claim that only children believe they are the center of the world as a result of growing up without siblings. This outlook can negatively affect them later in life when they try to integrate into different social settings and the professional world.
"While having siblings can be beneficial, there is no research showing that 'only children' are negatively affected by the absence of siblings. Parents play a key role here. As we live in a society where 'only children' are relatively rare, most parents are aware of the problems that can arise. Therefore, they make sure their kids are involved in additional educational, social, and family settings. As a result, these children have stronger relationships with their extended family, both children, and adults, and this of course may bridge gaps."
Q: Only children also have a noticeably stronger relationship with their parents as the parents often invest more in their "only child."
"Parents of 'only children' experience less stress, compared to parents who have two or more children. As parents have more children, their burden increases. Parents of 'only children' tend to be more available to meet their child's needs. As you mentioned, parents of 'only children' devote more time to their child, everything is aimed at the child's success. And therefore, for the most part, these are well-behaved children who are not, as previously mentioned, necessarily more egocentric or have different personality layers than average."
Q: Why would parents choose to only have one child in the first place? Is it out of financial necessity – or for other reasons?
"It's a combination. Sometimes it's an informed choice, and sometimes the parents didn't choose it at all. Immigrants to Israel who arrived from the Former USSR often only had one child. The parents left the house to go to work, and the grandparents raised the kid. Today, I see a different, somewhat surprising trend – stemming from environmental concerns. Parents are choosing to only have one child because they believe children have a negative impact on the planet. According to them, one child is enough. This trend can be seen in Europe, and it is starting to gain momentum here in Israel as well."
Q: What family patterns tend to be seen among grown "only children?" Do they choose to raise only children themselves or tend to have larger families?
"They generally choose to have several children instead of choosing to recreate their childhood experience. It's important for them to experience feeling a strong sense of belonging with a larger group. The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott said, 'there's no baby without a mother'. Fox, the father of group analysis, said "there is no human without a group". Humans are, truly, social beings that belong in groups."
Q: What is the stigma surrounding parents of "only children?" How much do they suffer from it, and to what extent is it true?
"The stigma is that they are defective and incomplete. As a result, many families of only children require emotional support to help them deal with the stigma. If the parents do not manage to change their perception, it is probable that the parents will feel they are depriving their child of a full family life – and thus will carry a lot of guilt."
Q: Looking at the research, if one's goal is to be as happy and wealthy as possible, it is better to not have any children at all – or be satisfied with only one. What do parents need to think about when they are debating whether they should bring a second child into the world, or whether to have kids at all?
"The research shows that wealth among parents increases after the birth of their first child, especially during the first two years, and remains high when they have their second child – however, it decreases after their third child. The added burden on the family unit seems to take its toll. It's important to take into consideration that there are many additional factors – and therefore, it's an individual decision."
Q: You mentioned earlier that having siblings might be beneficial – how so?
"Having siblings definitely contributes to a child's development, and allows children to learn to deal with their emotions and fitting-in in social settings in a relatively safe environment. It's an opportunity for children to develop their communication skills and their emotional expression. Arguments and sibling rivalry, while unpreventable, occur more often in homes where the parents get involved. Younger children imitate their older siblings whom they look up to as role models. While firstborn children experience a major crisis with the birth of a sibling, 'only children' never have to experience this – for better or for worse. Beyond that, sibling bonds are the longest relationships we have in our lives. It's something that we don't think about. Normally people think that their relationship with their parents is the most important – actually, sibling relationships often last significantly longer and together deal with extremely emotionally sensitive situations."
Q: This can be seen, for example, even in the Hebrew Bible.
"In the Hebrew Bible, for example, the story of Cain and Abel surely shows us sibling tension. Jealousy surrounding parents' love and resources is a critical driving force in humanity's development. Those who have siblings know that siblings are always compared to one another. The birth of a younger sibling causes older siblings, for example, to behave differently. Suddenly they need to develop patience, empathy, and even sophistication. The family becomes a social experiment allowing siblings to see and learn from others – and later go out into the world ready for similar interactions.
Q: Among siblings, is there a connection between birth order and intelligence, as is commonly thought?
"It is true that firstborns have a slight advantage intellectually compared to their siblings due to their parent's ability to invest more time to them exclusively; however, besides that, all other qualities associated with children by birth order are simply myths. People like using them because sometimes they seem to portray reality."
Q: The average Israeli family has 2.8 children. How did we get to this number?
"The truth is that the reason is quite boring and related to herd mentality: It's not a coincidence that almost all the mothers of kids in the same nursery school class will all get pregnant around the same time. As humans, we tend to behave similarly. Among the middle class, the lower the income and education levels, the higher the birth rate."
Q: Three is an odd number when you think about it – someone will be left out.
"It's true. In this respect, it's better to have two or four children. In the past, the trend was more toward four children, but the number decreased due to economic considerations and the fact that parents, especially mothers, became more likely to develop their careers. As women gain status, they tend to have fewer children."
Q: It sounds like the number of kids will continue to decrease.
"I think the average will remain in the not-so-distant future at two children. This trend has already started and is related, beyond economics, to parents' desires to be 'perfect' in their careers. As a result, mothers have less time to invest in their children today – so their ability and desire to have additional children decreases."
Q: And what about fathers?
"It's an interesting phenomenon. In the past we saw 'weekend fathers', career-driven men that come home late in the evening – today there are more fathers that want to be at home with their kids and get frustrated with the lack of quality time they get to spend with their children or missing the opportunity to put their kids to bed. It's a welcome change and is partially related to the lasting impact of COVID-19."\
Q: What about the age gap between siblings? Large age gaps can be a recipe for complications.
"A study we recently conducted in Israel about the birth of the second children in families revealed that the most common gap of time between births in Israel is about one and a half to three years. However, there are quite a few cases where children are born after a large gap from their siblings. This generally is the case among "last chance" children – often nicknamed "the cherry on top. Young children who grow up with a considerable age gap from their siblings often describe themselves as only children. Their siblings are already grown, and they don't develop strong emotional bonds with their siblings. Additionally, and similarly to 'only children', they may experience sadness and jealousy that the feeling of 'togetherness' was absent from their lives. To a certain extent, it is common for 'only children' to want a little brother or sister because they feel left out of the group."
Q: New family models in Israel raise points for discussion related to identity and belonging.
"An important question today is – who counts as 'siblings' today? Is it two kids born to the same parents? It used to be clear that siblings were children born to the same parents. Today that is not necessarily the case, and there are probably cases of families of same-sex couples for example, in which two "siblings" were born from the same sperm donor with two different mothers, or "siblings" that were born to the same mother but from sperm from two different men. There are countless combinations. This is different than in the past. Today many people, not only 'only children', ask themselves – what connects us to each other?"
Q: What is the answer given to children in such cases?
"On a psychological level, one of the most important things is how children are told the story of who they are. It is crucial for the parents to stop and observe their feelings and thoughts. This is referred to as reflective ability – one's ability to observe and understand others. It is a basic ability that creates a secure child-parent relationship. My previous research has shown that parents that are more reflective, greater assist their children in getting to know themselves – and therefore, help them develop self-confidence and a better self-image."
Q: When the narrative and the story of who they are is not clearly explained to them, the child may feel they are not accepted and tend to view their life negatively.
"True. When parents discuss their life and family – and discuss its disadvantages first, this negative feeling increases. Since 'only children' are growing up in a society that already views them negatively, it is important for parents to lead an in-depth and responsible dialogue with their child on the subject – and clearly explain the situation to the child, in a way that will allow the child to grow up to be a healthy and functioning adult in society."
